CLR

-hewastheirfriend:

but what if instead of getting drunk we all got sober like what if we were all constantly drunk and then on the weekends we get sober at night and have tea and intelligent conversations and then the next morning we’d wake up drunk again like “man i was so sober last night i think i figured out a cure for cancer” 

(via galaxyjiejie)

I want that ring!!!!

breakingnews:

Astronaut sends Chinese New Year greeting from space
Canadian astronaut Chris Hadfield tweeted photos of China, seen from the International Space Station, to celebrate the Chinese Year of the Snake, which begins today.
Space.com reports: Hadfield posted a series of dazzling photos of China from space, including a view of daybreak over Taiwan, a striking image of Shanghai at night, amazing windswept clouds and a view of the city of Hangzhou.
Photo: The dazzling lights of Shanghai, China, shine in this view from the International Space Station by Canadian astronaut Chris Hadfield, who shared the image on Feb. 9, 2013, to mark Chinese New Year. (Canadian Space Agency/Chris Hadfield)

breakingnews:

Astronaut sends Chinese New Year greeting from space

Canadian astronaut Chris Hadfield tweeted photos of China, seen from the International Space Station, to celebrate the Chinese Year of the Snake, which begins today.

Space.com reports: Hadfield posted a series of dazzling photos of China from space, including a view of daybreak over Taiwan, a striking image of Shanghai at night, amazing windswept clouds and a view of the city of Hangzhou.

Photo: The dazzling lights of Shanghai, China, shine in this view from the International Space Station by Canadian astronaut Chris Hadfield, who shared the image on Feb. 9, 2013, to mark Chinese New Year. (Canadian Space Agency/Chris Hadfield)

  • Socialism: You have 2 cows and you give one to your neighbor.
  • Communism: You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and gives you some milk.
  • Fascism: You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and sells you some milk.
  • Nazism: You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and shoots you.
  • Bureaucratism: You have 2 cows; the Government takes both, shoots one, milks the other and throws the milk away..
  • Traditional Capitalism: You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull. You herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
  • An American Corporation: You have 2 cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow dropped dead.
  • A French Corporation: You have 2 cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
  • Japanese Corporation: You have 2 cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimon and market them Worldwide.
  • An Italian Corporation: You have 2 cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
  • A Swiss Corporation: You have 5000 cows. None of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
  • Chinese Corporation: You have 2 cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
  • An Iraqi Corporation: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No one believes you and they bomb your arse. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.......
  • Counter Culture: 'Wow, dig it, like there's these 2 cows, man, grazing in the hemp field. You gotta have some of this milk!'
  • Surrealism: You have two fish. But the harpsichord cannot be green.
  • Apathyologism: You have 2 cows. You do not care.
  • Fatalist: You have 2 doomed cows...
  • Atheism: You have 2 cows. There is no God.
  • A West-Country Corporation: You have 2 cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.
  • A Brazilian Corporation: You have 2 cows. You pay taxes for 6 cows. You have to sell one cow in order to pay the taxes. Your remaining cow gets sick and dies while waiting for availability in the public vet hospital.
  • PETA: You have two cows. You kill them both. You then use naked women to convince other people that killing cows is wrong.
  • Moffat: You have two cows. Both of them are your daughters time traveling from the past where they had a brief love affair with Da Vinci making you the rightful Queen of England.
  • Hussie: You have 2 cows. You ask for another one. Instead of getting just 1 cow, you get 2,485,506 cows.
  • Romney: You have 2 cows. You are not the president of the united states.
  • Once-ler: You have 1 cow. Everyone decides to make 5 different versions of that cow.
  • Old Spice: You have 2 cows. The cows are now diamonds. I'm on a horse.
  • An Irish Corporation: You have a million cows because they're everywhere
  • Tumblr: You have 2 cows. You ship them together and make GIF posts screaming about how much you love your cows, but they should stop existing because they are so perfect.
  • Also Tumblr: I give you a hamburger.
  • Cows: The shit you go through.
  • New Zealand Corporation: You have two cows. It is easy to tell them apart from the 9000 sheep you have.
  • BBC: You had two cows, but then they fell off a building
  • Hinduism: You have two cows. They are your sacred masters. Obey them.
  • Old Testament: In the beginning you had two cows. Now you have none because you failed to obey the farming regulations. But don't worry, you'll get two more sometime. Noah gets to have seven.
  • New Testament: You have two cows. One bucket of their milk would feed five thousand people, but because it was turned into wine, it just gets them drunk. You tell everyone about it.
  • Zen: A monk had two cows. He asked the master Joshu, "Do cows have the Buddha-nature?" Joshu replied, "Moo."
  • Discordianism: You have two five sacred chaos. Fnord.
  • Pastafarianism: You have two meatballs.
  • France: You have two cows. You use the milk to make 365 types of cheese. You write an existential novel about it.
  • Russia: You have two cows. You count them and it turns out you have 12. You count them again and you have 52. You count them again and you have 6. You stop counting and open another vodka bottle.
  • Finland: You have two cows that are backed by a full choir and symphony orchestra.
  • Stephen Harper: You have two cows. They are now drenched in tar.
  • Winston Churchill (obvious joke): You have two cows. You shall milk them on the beaches, you shall milk them on the landing grounds, you shall milk them in the fields and in the streets, you shall milk them in the hills...
  • Pythonism: Your mother was a cow and your father smelt of elderberries.
  • Stephen Fry: You have two cows. You'll probably end up doing a documentary about them.
  • DeviantArt: You have two cows and someone's drawn pictures of them you'd rather not see.
  • Fanfiction.net: You have two cows, both of which have color-changing eyes, natural blue highlights in their fur, have every superpower that exists, and get to hook up with Draco Malfoy.
  • Atop The Fourth Wall: You had two cows, but through extraordinary circumstances you now have eight cows and a spaceship.
  • Brows Held High: You have two cows. They lactate perfume and might be allegories of Hitler.
  • Diamanda Hagan: You have two cows. You kill them for pleasure, then clone more cows.
  • Labyrinth: You have two cows, but you're too distracted to see them because of David Bowie's crotch.
  • Torchwood: You have two cows. You must protect them from the butcher who comes to Cardiff through the time rift while still finding the time to have sex with all of the other cattle ranchers. And their cows.
  • A Clockwork Orange: You have two cows: a real horrorshow moodge and his droog, a gromky molody malchik. They make up their rossoodocks to skvat the first dama they viddy for a bit of the old in-out in-out.
  • David Lynch: A strange-looking man walks up to you and tells you that you will receive two cows. The cows arrive, only one of them appears to be a hideously deformed chicken. Upon attempting to milk the deformed chicken/cow, you find yourself in a parallel reality where you're not a farmer at all, but instead a failed actor who's making ends meet by doing dwarf porn. After a series of downright bizarre occurrences, the strange-looking man reappears, knowing who you really are, and shoots you.
  • George Lucas: You once had two interesting and beloved cows. You have milked them to death.
  • Michael Bay: You have two cows. They are a hundred feet tall and fight each other, destroying a major city.
  • Roland Emmerich: You have two cows. They are a hundred feet tall and fight each other, destroying a major city.
  • Stephen Spielberg: You have two cows. They are a hundred feet tall and fight each other, destroying a major city. Eventually, one of them learns the true meaning of love.
  • H.P. Lovecraft: You have two Elder Cows from beyond time and space. They will eventually rise up from their pasture and devour the human race. You go mad contemplating this.
  • J.R.R. Tolkien: You have two cows. One of them is descended from Turgon, son of Fingolfin, son of Finwë, and dwelt in the hidden city of Gondolin, that in Quenya is called Ondolindë, which is The Rock of the Music of the Water. The other is the daughter of.... etc
  • Stephen King: You have two cows, in Maine. They develop mad cow disease and try to kill you... after at least 200 pages of flashbacks and tangents.
  • Charles Dickens: In the village of Gower-upon-Frome, a nearly unknown hamlet in the midst of Dorset, you had two cows - and no common cows, but cows of such merit and breeding that the very sight of such beasts would cause a mere passer-by to acclaim their quality without prompt nor inquiry to any man, be he of strict consequence or not, stating that without a doubt, this pair of cows was amongst the finest ever to trod the grim pastures of southern Albion. As a verification of this seemingly remarkable claim, one need only approach the man known to his compatriots simply as 'Old Frimm', the farrier of Gower-upon-Frome, who from his youth was so acquainted with cows that one might remark that husbandry of these creatures ran through his blood, having been reared among them during his formative years in the farmlands of Northumbria, whence he learnt of their most intimate nature, and would attest to their superlative status not merely of his own testimony, but would swear that even the most docile of men would affirm this claim: the sort of man who, upon finding himself lost in the dismal alleys of Knightbridge in the dreary evenings following Michaelmass when the fog settled heavily upon the city, would not ask the kindly old man in the tobacconist to point him in the proper direction, but rather from a meek disposition would wander the streets of London until he happened upon that familiar lamp-post or cobblestone way that would point him toward Charing Cross, and from there back to his native abode wherein his meager bowl of porridge awaited him (by now long since cold) - yes even such longanimous man as this would, given the opportunity, proudly and with prestigious spirit proclaim before the House of Lords that these two cows were the paragon of virtue and indeed amongst the most beneficent in all the land.
  • Ernest Hemingway: For Sale: Two Cows, Never Milked.
  • Franz Kafka: You have two cows. You feel guilty, but you have no clue why.
  • e e cummings: you have cows two. one writes and the other is reincarnated
  • Homer: You have τοὺς βοῦς. They were plunder from Agamemnon's conquest, that long struggle which reduced the once-mighty walls of Troy to ash-covered etchings barely protruding from the foreign ground. As when a man sits beneath a tree thinking of adventures from times long ago, and a leaf falls and catches his eye, so that he raises his gaze before falling back into his reminiscences, so chew the cows their cud.
  • Nicolai Gogol: You are very proud of your two dead cows. Both are Ukrainian.
  • Alternative music: You have two cows. They're cool because no one else has ever tasted their milk before. When they do, your cows are sell outs.
  • Blues: I woke up this morning! (♫ dee-do dee-do ♫) And my cows were gone! (♫ dee-do dee-do ♫) They gone and done away with my milk (♫ dee-do dee-do ♫)...
  • Classical music: Like alternative music's cows but with longer words and more bitchiness.
  • Country: No matter what you do, your cows keep leaving you and breaking your heart. It's your fault.
  • Punk: Fuck you, you corporate sheep, we don't have any cows! Cows are tools of corporate America! Fight the system!
  • Rap: You have two cows. One is socially conscious, the other has a sweet fucking booty and smokin' hot mutherfuckin bling milk.
  • David Bowie: This is Ground Control to Major Cow, you've really made the grade. And the papers want to know whose grass you eat. Cows! Make a man take things over. Cows! Make grass loose, hard to swallow.
  • Guns n Roses: You have two cows. One wears a hat, one wears short shorts. Disheartened, you turn to a bottle of Jack Daniels for answers.
  • Kanye West: You have two c... YO RATIONALWIKI, I'M REAL HAPPY FOR YOU, I'MA LET YOU FINISH, BUT SOCIALISM HAD ONE OF THE BEST "YOU HAVE TWO COWS" JOKES OF ALL TIME! OF ALL TIME!
  • Manowar: Your two cows aren't for milk. They're for beef. Pure 100% hardcore metal man beef and totally Not Gay.
  • Metallica: You have two cows that engage in a pissing contest about when their milk sold out. Disheartened, you turn to a bottle of Jack Daniels for answers.
  • Motorhead: Your cow has alarmingly awesome facial hair. Disheartened, you turn to a bottle of Jack Daniels for answers.
  • Ozzy Osbourne: You had two cows but ye bit the 'ead off one of them. Disheartened, you turn to a bottle of Jack Daniels for answers.
  • Pink Floyd: You have two cows. Huge, inflatable cows floating above London.
  • U2: U have 2 cows. It's alright, they moo in mysterious ways.
  • Nightwish: You have two cows that can moo very beautifully, but both moved to another cattle ranch. You write ten songs about losing your innocence.
  • Marco Hietala: Your cow has an alarmingly awesome viking beard and long, majestic blond hair. Disheartened, you turn to a bottle of Finlandia for answers.
  • Justin Bieber: You don't even deserve cows.
  • Mark Gatiss: You love him and do not realize it was truly he who threw your cows off of a cliff, not Moffat.
  • Les Miserables: Do you hear the people sing, singing the song of angry cows ?

“The Battle for Bobbed Hair” Photoplay Magazine, June, 1924

The Battle for Bobbed HairPhotoplay Magazine, June, 1924

(via oldrags)

erikleesnyder:

Swagg (brother of murdered teenage rapper, Lil Jojo)

erikleesnyder:

Swagg (brother of murdered teenage rapper, Lil Jojo)

comedycentral:

theburntv:

We’re counting down to the Grammy Awards. Let’s get to know the nominees a little better. First up: Mumford And Sons.

New Burn, Tuesday after Tosh.

comedycentral:

theburntv:

We’re counting down to the Grammy Awards. Let’s get to know the nominees a little better. First up: Mumford And Sons.

New Burn, Tuesday after Tosh.